Ní sheasann sac folamh

An empty sack won't stand

Dogs are nuts about him
Creator stands by his fake pet testicles


Published: Monday, July 2, 2007
Canadian Press: Lee-Anne Goodman
Toronto

 

Gregg Miller cheerfully admits he pampers his dog.

The creator of Neuticles, testicular implants for dogs, cats and other animals, warms up his boxer's food, treats him to nothing but chilled bottled water, has bought him $5,000 worth of toys - and made sure he was equipped with fake testicles when he went under the knife to be neutered a few years ago.

Gregg Miller poses with Buck, his bloodhound who died in 2001. (CPHO) "The things I do to spoil Winston, you'd think I was nuts, no pun intended," Miller says from his home in Oak Grove, Mo. "But it's become our culture to accept emasculation of our pets as normal. Turning our pets into little eunuchs has become acceptable.

"(I) say: 'Yes, neuter your dog, but he can still retain . . . his natural look.' If anyone thinks that's odd, think about it - I think it's odd that you'd want to turn your dog into a eunuch."

Miller was awarded the spoof Ig Nobel Prize in the medicine category at Harvard University two years ago for his invention. But all joking aside, he insists that a dog's self-esteem suffers when he has his testicles removed during the standard neutering procedure. Same goes for cats, bulls and horses, Miller says.

"The pet would know if his nose, tail or foot got cut off - why wouldn't he know a familiar body part that he's kept clean and played with up until now is now missing?"

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Since Miller and his vet developed Neuticles 13 years ago, he says more than 225,000 animals have been implanted with them, including a handful of pets in Canada. The implants are available in various sizes and degrees of firmness (www.neuticles.com).

Vets at the Morningside Animal Clinic in east-end Toronto implanted Neuticles in a pit bull terrier, says the clinic's Dr. Carl Porter.

"People tend to like the appearance of an intact dog in some of those breeds," Porter says. "We put one set in, but . . . we don't get requests for it very often. It's a little different."

The Canadian Veterinary Medical Association classifies Neuticles as cosmetic surgery, something it's opposed to - along with ear and tail cropping.

The association's Dr. Warren Skippon chuckled upon hearing Miller's theory that being deprived of their family jewels is a source of serious depression for male animals.

"I don't know if the science shows that animals are aware that their scrotums aren't as full as they used to be," he said. "We are a scientifically based profession and I think that's a bit of a stretch."

But he adds that those who put their dogs in shows might consider Neuticles if they have an animal with an undescended testicle, which would be considered a flaw.

Miller, 54, scoffs at the notion that there's something weird about Neuticles.

"Some vets say: 'Oh, Neuticles - they're not natural.' Well good God, what is natural about taking your dog in and having a body part cut off?"

His Neuticle adventure began 14 years ago, Miller says, when his beloved bloodhound, Buck, ran away from home. He was found four days later and 35 kilometres away after roaming the countryside, something unneutered dogs are wont to do.

"I had hesitated to neuter up until that point because his little thingies back there were a dominant feature of his personality," Miller remembers of the late Buck, who died in 2001.

"I asked my vet: 'Don't they make some kind of implant so Buck can look the same?' And the vet looked at me and said: 'I've been a vet for 45 years and that's the craziest thing I've ever heard.' So I just thought I was a neurotic pet-owner."

But the vet later had a change of heart and decided testicular implants for animals was a brilliant idea. Miller and the vet worked together to develop the implants and the procedure, and the rest is Neuticle history. Miller even wrote a book about how he founded Neuticles, entitled "Going Going Nuts."

"I am getting second-generation owners now - their pets have died and they're getting new pets and doing the Neuticle thing with their new pets," Miller says.

The vast majority of the fake cojones end up in dogs, but Miller says he sells a feline pair on average once a day and just sent off a pair of "really huge ones - five-and-a-half-inchers" to Pennsylvania to be implanted into a stallion.

"This isn't for everyone," Miller concedes. "It's for extreme pet-owners, people like me who spoil and pamper their animals. I grieved more when Buck the bloodhound died than when my own mother died, and that's the God's honest truth."

Source: http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/070702/K070206AU.html